Existing For the Tears We Cry
by Merthurloverandlovinit
Summary: It is Merlin's Senior Year and after all the hell he has been through maybe, just maybe, a certain blonde, blue eyed soul from a different school will make all the tears he has weep and all the fighting he has done to push on living worth it.
1. These Harships I Endure

Merlin parked his Honda blue-green SUV in his designated spot in the Student Lot at Cambridge school. He yawned and rubbed the sand of sleep from his eyes. It was Monday, the seventh day of the month, and twenty-fourteen-a New Year. He would be officially graduated, dressed in a cap and gown and walking the aisle in as little as five months. The days could not come fast enough.

_If only I could have graduated early,_ Merlin mused as he slung his tan Polo Ralph bag over his shoulder and slammed the CRV's door with a thud. Oh how he had tried to graduate early. He had gone as far as going to the school board and asking, begging them, but it had been a fruitless effort. He had scored too low on the ACT test he had taken his junior year last spring. Just five points too low on math. Just five points. He sighed and as he hunkered down into his jacket and pulled his navy knitted scarf over his mouth and wished he had been as smart as Gwen and had taken her advice and studied last year with her. He knew it was not Gwen's fault and it was wrong to be jealous but now he was stuck in school and his only friends that had been left was gone.

Merlin was the kind of guy that just didn't fit in with people his own age. He was too bookish, too sociably awkward, too clumsy for his own good, and has had too many bad experience with people that he just closed himself off from people. The friends he did have were few, but they had all graduated the year before Merlin's junior year making Merlin's junior year a whirl wind of depression and the young man had all but lost his true self much to his friend's and family's concern. Now Gwen was gone and he was utterly alone.

Merlin opened the door that led into the English wing of the school and was blasted with warm air. He yanked the door behind him closed and shivered off the cold that clung to him. He checked his phone and saw no text messages. Everyone was still asleep.

He let himself be swallowed by the sea of people and made his way to the main office. He looked around at the students that clung and mingled in their little groups as if they were bees. That's what Merlin had always called them: Bees. For they buzzed around and collected useless gossip then came back together in their little swarm to pick over what was hot and what was not. Merlin had the wicked luck of meeting with the Quarter back Tyler's gaze as he turned the corner.

The seven foot and three inches of pure muscle smirked at Merlin and nudged his friend Corie in the arm. The pair snickered at Merlin as he walked past.

"Hey faggot? Have a nice Christmas?"

Merlin bit his tongue and forced himself to ignore them and kept walking. The other students in the hall way had taken noticed as they turned from their metallic steely lockers and looked at Merlin with either pity or mirth or both.

_You've dealt with this before and you can do it again. Remember what Gawain said? It doesn't matter what other's think I'm loved by the right people and that's all that matters. _

He felt a hand on his shoulder and was turned forcefully around. Merlin's vision was filled with Tyler's jade green eyes. "I was talking to you. Didn't your mama tell you it was rude to ignore people?"

Merlin stepped backwards and swallowed. "Yes. I had a nice Christmas. Thank you."

Merlin began to turn and make his way to the office. He was so close. Just a few more feet and he would be there.

One step

Two step

There was the door…

Three steps

Four steps

Merlin was slammed against the wall. He let out a yelp as his left arm was pinned to his side and the golden buckle on the strap of his bag pushed into his soft pale skin. He felt Tyler's breath on his cheek. He scrunched up his nose as a foul smell of eggs went into his nostrils. He tried to shrug the boy's grip off but was only pushed harder against the wall.

"You're a god damn faggot. A shame to be carrying the dick you have, a shame to man. You never walk away from me again? Got it? Now…you love that ass of yours being fucked don't ya? Well me and my friends are going to fuck it up really hard after school. That's a promise." He let Merlin go and Merlin stumbled away. The group of football players smiled and Dustin, the oldest one out of the group, puckered his lips at Merlin and then singled the boys to follow. They left Merlin shaken in the hall.

Merlin lowered his head and curled his fist. Why couldn't he just once stand up for himself? Just once he wished he could be brave and not….some loser. It was reason like those young men that he didn't want to be at school. But he was stuck here.

Ignoring the smirking from the others around him he went on his way to the Main Office. Merlin entered through the single door and found he had to wait in line to talk to the office administrator that was in charge of the high school students.

She was a young woman with brown long hair that was always in a fish tail braid down to her lower back. Her complexion was smooth and pink with a light pink blush that laid high on her cheek. She always wore green or pink eye shadow to go with her always white or pink cloths. Today she had on a white simple sweater and had a glow around her as she took a white envelope from a girl with black hair and amassed it in a wire basket that sat next to her Apple computer. She was a nice lady… always polite to Merlin and had a smile ready for him. She also always smelled of coffee much to Merlin's amusement.

Merlin stepped up to the desk and she greeted him with a smile.

"Hello, Merlin. Did you have a good holiday?"

Merlin smiled and nodded, "Yes. My mother and I went to go visit my uncle Gaius in Wales. He has a winter cottage down there. Did you have a nice break, Miss Winter?"

The brown haired lady smiled and held out her hand and Merlin saw a golden band on her fourth finger. "Scott proposed!" she exclaimed happily.

Merlin now understood her extra glow of happiness around her and congratulated her. After a few more seconds of polite chit chat he asked for his Time Table. He was handed a white paper and he looked it over. He couldn't help but smile even though the confrontation of Tyler and his gang still was in the forefront of his mind. At least one thing he was able to look forward to now.

Last semester for about three months he had fought and fought for his right to be able to go over and volunteer at the public library. While it was already an option Merlin had, with passion, fought for him to be able to be at the library for two hours instead of one. At first, the school wouldn't budge. But when Merlin had pointed out that he had all of his credits except for one semester of English, he had taken all the classes that would help him with his future (to become a librarian) and no other classes would prepare him, and that he was miserable at school, and when Merlin finally played his…romantic choice and the feeling of other's at school, and the fact he had an IEP for being in special education for math and that they were to meet his individual needs, they finally granted him two hours.

"So I just come in every morning and sign out then when I come back I sign in again?" Merlin asked impatient to go.

Miss Winter nodded and handed him the blue clip board with a sign out sheet. Merlin wrote him name and began to leave, for once his mind far from trouble and sorrow that usually came with school.

"Oh and Merlin?" Miss winter called out to the young man.

Merlin turned and titled his head in question.

"There will be a young man there by the name of Arthur. He's a student from one of the neighboring schools. He will be coming back with you because he is taking half day here."

Merlin nodded and raced off to his car not giving one thought about this Arthur.

Little did he know…this Arthur would change his whole look at the school year and impact Merlin's life…

**Please review so I know in if should keep going or not...**


	2. The Broken eyes of Men

The Cole-Bolt blue eyed young man walked through the main entrance of Shropshire Village of Wroxeter's Public Library. The doors behind him closed with a whoosh, and Merlin closed his eyes and took in the familiar smell that greeted him. Books always had a unique smell to Merlin. One of musty inked stained pages. The smell would wrap around Merlin and make him feel safe as if he was once more in his mother's womb.

Merlin walked down the blue shag carpet as he bypassed the café that sat in the center of the library. He peeked a glance through the glass windows and saw the many happy-go lucky readers or coffee lovers alike sitting in one of the many bar stool tables and over stuffed arm chairs sipping from red ruby cups. He heard the familiar steam hiss from the coffee machines and the rattle of the warmer as bagels were being warmed to a crisp brown. Merlin had many fond memories of sitting at the tables with his head buried in some fantasy book or other living in the words and becoming the hero. This library was his sanctuary…his escape from society's wrath.

Upon reaching the service circulation desk, Merlin walked over to one of the older ladies sitting behind the chestnut wood counter and got her attention. She looked up, her gray white hair falling out of wisps of her bun and her glasses sliding down to her nose, making her much like a bird checking out their pray before striking. She paused her click-clacking on the keyboard and smiled.

"Merlin, my dear, I was wondering when you would come. I was warrant to set out a search team for you."

Merlin chuckled warmly at the older lady. "I got her as soon as I could, Grandma. So where do you want me to start?"

The older lady in front of him, Ms. Brangwain, cousin to Isolde, the director of the Library was not really Merlin's grandmother. She had first met Merlin when he was but six years old. He had gotten lost from his mother during one of the many story times hosted in its scheduled blocked hour. He had wondered and finally had sat down huddled in the back corner of the fantasy section crying. Brangwain had then found him and had coxed him out with soft words. She had then taken him by the hand and back to the front desk where he sat perched on her lap helping her "work" until his mother had finally came and found him. Since then, Merlin had a close relationship with the older women, spending Christmas Eve and many other holidays with her and visiting her at her house. She, along with Merlin's uncle, Gaius, and Merlin's mother, Hunirth, were the first to know of Merlin's outing.

Brangwain stood up from behind the desk and beckon Merlin to follow. He did.

"You will be working two hours here every morning. I or one of the ladies at the front desk, most likely Elaine, will keep log of your hours and of your attendance to give to the school. You will be graded on your working of task we assign and how you spend your time. Which, I have no fear when it comes to you. You will get five minute breaks after the first thirsty minutes of your time here. You are not allowed off the property until you are released, but you may take your break on the porch if the weather allows for it. "

The porch was a wraparound of the back of the house that looked into the surrounding forest. It was decorated with the children's crafts which were placed on the screen that was put up around the porch to keep leaves and animals from coming in. the entrance to the porch was connected to the children's center and used for outdoor activities during Library School. It was another loved place of Merlin's.

She led Merlin back around the café and to double doors. She stopped and opened them. "You will need to go in her first to talk to Isodle and she will give you your first job. You already know the basics of the library from what I taught you so there is no need to worry. This is all about having fun and learning something new. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You know the lay out and the people her know you. "

"Thank you," Merlin said and entered.

He walked in and stopped in his tracks. Lounging against the wall, hands in pocket and a pull over hoddie on stood the most handsome, blonde haired man Merlin had ever seen. The door closed and the other looked up.

_Jade green eyes. They look so….broken. _Merlin thought as the blonde glanced away.

Merlin bit his lip and wondered if this was Arthur- the boy from the other school that was supposed to come back with him. It would be nice to have one friend here. Merlin walked a few hesitated paces and smiled a small, shy smile.

"Hi, I'm Merlin. You must be Arthur."

The young man snapped his gaze back to Merlin and looked him up and down and stood up. Then he opened his mouth and that is when Merlin knew he was not going to like this Arthur.

"Who the hell said you could talk to me?"

**Thank you to the first reviewer you made my day!**

**Please review….**


	3. seem to cut through the indiffrence

Merlin blinked. Retracting his hand he said, "I was just…I'm sorry…I didn't mean…"

Arthur looked at him, his gaze measuring, calculating. His blonde hair hung low on his eyes and he brushed it back. Merlin tried in vain not to watch. He was a prat. A big, mean, bully. "And you're a stuttering freak too it seems."

Merlin opened his mouth then closed it, at lost at what to say. Sure he had had thousands of rude remarks a day at school and while they still stung and hurt he had learned to deal with them, but this Arthur, this guy didn't even know him, yet his words hurt. Merlin did not like that.

"You have no right to be mean," Merlin heard himself say, "I was just being nice."

Arthur snorted and shoved past Merlin to take a seat in one of the many wooden chairs with red cushions. He lounged in it, slumping as if it was a chair he owned at home. Merlin watched in fascinating horror and disgust as Arthur smirked and crossed his arms. "Being nice never has gotten anyone anywhere besides fools, and you look like a fool. What's your name?"

Merlin did not answer, or it was more he was saved from answering as the door at the other end of the room opened and Isolde stepped inside. She was a thin woman, well-built and tall and pristine features. Her blonde-sun dappled hair was swept up into a bun at her neck. She carried a clip board in her hand and was checking things off with a fast motion with a pen. She looked up, first at Arthur, then Merlin and smiled.

"Ah! Merlin! I am so glad you're old enough to be able to volunteer over here for school. We have been looking forward to this day more than you can know. "She smiled and sat down at the table. She rested her hands palms down on the table.

"For you," she said and looked to Arthur who just scowled and looked away, "My name is Isolde. I am the director of the Library and in a way your boss. I am sure you both got the basic of what you are will be doing here and what this program is and I will go over it in a little bit more detail-"

Merlin's mind drifted and he glanced at Arthur and found the Prat looking at him. Merlin glanced away then chided himself for doing so. _What are you doing, Merlin? He's a prat, a bully and a jerk. Sure he may look cute but he isn't. He's trouble and you don't want to deal with trouble. You made a promise you'd be stronger this year. Find a nice guy finally._

Merlin glanced at Isolde and smiled reemerging in the memory of the first time he had met her. He had been twelve at the time and had been coming to the library for years now. He considered it his second home and knew many of the ladies and workers, had a close relationship with many, and had read almost every single book.

It had been a day when he came winded into the entrance and hid behind one of the stone pillars. He had been chased by a gang of boys at school and now they had followed him in. the boys had in the end confronted him and Isolde came when they had pushed Merlin down. She had swept them all into the office seeming mean and a witch and talked to the group about respect and what a library was and wasn't for. Afterwards she had sat Merlin down, gave him some chocolate and a stuff dragon and talked to him and had told him she had noticed that he had been coming in for years and was highly talked about. It was that day he, Merlin, had become her assistant volunteer.

-"And Merlin here knows a lot about the system and how we work. He can assist you when you need it, Arthur. He is very kind so don't be afraid to ask for help. In fact, your first task will be shelving some books back for the ladies at the front desk; it will be a chance to learn the books and the building and layout and to get to know each other, but that will be tomorrow. You both are dismissed and may go back to the school."

Merlin cursed under his breath. He barely knew Arthur and didn't want to work side by side already. He watched Isolde leave and looked to Arthur who was already heading out the door. Merlin snorted. Good he didn't have to see him until tomorrow. It was then Merlin recalled Arthur had to go back to school…with him…in his car. He was in charge of Arthur's arrival. He cursed and ran for the door.

He stumbled to a halt outside the parking lot and his breath frosted in the air. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" he couldn't see Arthur anywhere. He jogged a little bit more out into the center and sighed. How was he going to tell the school? He would get into trouble. Well, he might. He hated the blonde hair and beautiful man more already. And it frustrated him that he had to be rude and arrogant. He most defiantly ran with the jocks at his school and probably cheated on girls and test and got away with everything.

It was then Merlin saw the hoddie in the corner of his eyes. Arthur was leaning against the building and taking a drag in a cigarette. The white smoke gathered around him then disappeared from view as he took another drag again. Merlin gapped.

"Add drugie to the list," he muttered darkly and walked over to him. Arthur seeing him rolled his eyes, and started to walk away. Merlin growled starting to get fed up with Arthur and hurried his pace.

"Hey, Arthur!" he shouted and reached out and pulled at Arthur's hoddie, trying to stop him. Arthur turned around sharp and fast and pushed Merlin away. Merlin fell to the ground.

"hey!" Merlin said surprised and stood up.

"Teach you not to grab people." Arthur spat eyes darting around then rested on Merlin once more. "Why are you following me?"

Merlin tried not giving in to the urge to rub his back from where the ground had made contact. He balled his fist up and said evenly through pain and annoyance at the situation, "you're supposed to come back to my school. With me and in my car."

"Well I am not going," Arthur said and threw the done bud on the ground and stomped on it. "This whole thing is stupid. I don't even want to be here. I have much better things to be doing then wasting my time with damn books and old people. I would rather be doing something I love and I was force here and," he stopped and Merlin watch something in his face change" And why should I waste my time with a ratched guy like you who looks like you were appointed to be my care taker and you can't even take care of yourself. I bet you even haven't had sex yet."

Merlin blinked and his thoughts went a mile a minute. He opened his mouth a said very quietly, "I don't care you don't want to be here. You're a dick and rude. My life is none of your business. I don't want to get in trouble and I am sure you don't want the school to send out cops to look for you. Now please, get in the car." He pointed to the CRV.

Arthur shook his head, locked eyes with Merlin for a second then walked past him and Merlin watched him as he made his way to the Crv. Merlin ran his hand through his hair and began to walk to the car….

**Thank you to those that read, followed, liked, and reviewed. **

_**Please review….**_


End file.
